ABCD to GHI

I was wading through Wikipedia, trying to look for the meaning for a certain term and I stumbled upon ABCD. Now I know most of us, I for one, thought that these are just the starting letters in the English alphabets but what Wikipedia threw at me was amazing.

ABCD stands for American Born Confused Desi.

At first I was very offended by the fact that a globally renowned site like Wikipedia would list such a racist definition, but then I realized that it actually was true, unfortunate, but true. A lot of us Indians move to the US/UK etc. and settle there for good. Our kids are born in these countries and turn into a medley of Indo-American or Indo-British soups of culture.

Here’s an account of two guys sitting in the waiting lounge at Mumbai International Airport. One of them is an “ABCD” another is an absolute patriot in his early 40s, who I simply call - Indian.

Both of them were supposed to catch a Northwest KLM flight to Newark Airport, New Jersey. The flight got delayed by a couple of hours due to bad weather and both had to wait at the waiting lounge.

The ABCD was getting jittery after a few minutes and started babbling. “Man! Indian airports are a mess, the seats are as hard as stone and the Air conditioning does not work either!”

The Indian happened to overhear this conversation and since he was getting bored himself, tried to strike a conversation with ABCD. Here’s how it goes…

Indian : Hey… I am Sandeep…

ABCD : Hmmm… ok..

Indian : (thinking.. someone does not want to talk today) you are headed to New Jersey right.

ABCD : yeah.. why?

Indian : Nothing, just curious since I was headed that way too. KLM..

The flight seems to be delayed by a couple of hours (with a smile)

ABCD : Ok.. yeah… as expected, I don’t think anything runs on time in this country (with a sly smile). Oh, by the way, I am Paddy

Indian : Paddy.. that’s a nice name.. is it short for something or is it just paddy?

ABCD : Just paddy…

Indian : You were talking about things not being on time in India. Incase you didn’t notice, its raining cats and dogs outside. I don’t think the pilot can take off under these circumstances.

ABCD : Well, if the pilot is an American, trained perfectly with the latest equipments for hours on a flight simulator, he would surely be able to take off.

Indian : I don’t think the best of simulators would help in this weather, would it?

ABCD : That’s what you think (smiles away). Anyways, forget the weather, don’t you think atleast the airport should have been better! You Indians love to adjust in what you have don’t you.

Indian : YOU Indians?? What are you?

ABCD : I am an American, green card holder, citizen of the United States. ( and the smile got wider)

I was here to meet with my folks (for those who don’t know, folks refers to family and friends). Man, am I happy that the trip is over!!

Indian : Why? What is it that you hate about India so much?

ABCD : Oh, don’t get me started! Absolutely hopeless roads, hopeless people, filth everywhere and pollution enough to kill anyone of lung cancer!!

Indian : ok.. go on (with a curious eyes, waiting for the ABCD to complete so that he can nail him right to the floor)

ABCD : People here are stuck in their traditional norms hell bent on not developing into what other countries have. All they value is their culture and the million relations that they have.

Indian : Ok. Tell me one thing if it’s not too personal. How many people in the US care about you?

ABCD : Huh? A lot… I got a million friends.

Indian : No no.. you didn’t get me. How many people CARE about you.

ABCD : (Silent)

Indian : Ok, whom do you turn to when you run out of money, if you do.

ABCD : My parents.

Indian : Why?

ABCD : (Silent)

Indian : Let me tell you, the friends you have might run away from you in tough times before you can even blink. You think they care about you? Try this out. Get back home and tell each one of them, you are out of money, and you need $4000. See what happens.

ABCD : (A little angry) I will not run out of money and even if I do, I don’t think I have to test my friends.

Ok, why do you think Indians are still in poverty? Why do we see beggers all over the place. ‘Cause we are not good enough. Period.

Indian : Ok, you tell me. Who is your boss?

ABCD : Mahesh Srinivas

Indian : An Indian? That’s strange. Ok, who is his boss?

ABCD : I think its Amar Krishnan.. (now he gets the point)

Indian : Another Indian!! You are right. We are NOT good enough.

ABCD : That’s because this country is not able to provide enough money to these smart Indians and they have to run to the US (thinks, yeah, finally I got one strong one on this Indian)

Indian : True. Which is why companies around the globe like Microsoft, IBM, CISCO, Intel and financial firms and banks like Deutche Bank, Lehmann Brothers, Bank Of America are outsourcing most of its works to Indian IT firms.

The fact that we ask for less money does not mean that this country is NOT able to provide for the billions of its people.

Forget about outsourcing for cheap labor, most of the companies I listed earlier prefer to open their offices in countries like India because of the sheer brain power we Indians possess.

ABCD : OK… but as I said before, have you seen the roads and filth around?

Indian : Do you know the population of India? Its over 1000 million as compared to 300 million of the US. This 1000 million are filled in 300,000 square kilometers area as compared to 1000,000 square kms, more than 4 times the size of India.

Try filling a can of beans with 4 more can of beans and see the FILTH you get!!!

Having said that, the dirt is an issue which is being taken care slowly by the country.

I do not want to open a fact file on you, but if you check all the facts about India right now, you would find that 20% of all top posts in the world are taken by Indians. We are the best at everything we do. Period.

Ok. Tell me truthfully, whats your real name?

ABCD : Its Pratham

Indian : Wow. Do you know what it means? It means FIRST. ‘cause you are from a country which is at the pinnacle, PRATHAM in all regards all over the world.

Being an Indian, I would expect you to understand the true wealth of this country.

It’s a shame that Indians are not valued by Indians themselves.

I am not going to give you a history lesson about India. All I would expect is for you to realize that despite all the years you have spent in the US, you ARE AN INDIAN.

Oh by the way, I am Sandeep Gopal, Regional head of the East Coast, Spacecenter.

After this conversation, a disgruntled ABCD proceeded toward immigration and later boarded the plane.

Next to him was an American named Jonathan.

Finally I have a decent American to talk to, he thought.

He spoke to the American, “Hey! I am Paddy.”

“Hi, I’m John.. Jonathan infact” he replied.

“Man am I glad to see you next to me John. I just got bugged by an Indian for over 2 hours!!

So you here on a pleasure trip?”

John replies “Oh no! I work here…”

“What!! Here.. as in India!!” asks a shocked ABCD

“yeah! I’ve been here since 10 years now. I started my family here. Married a beautiful Indian. And I couldn’t be happier”

“Were you forced to come down here to work”

“No. I chose to come here. I was a little skeptical at the beginning, but after a few months, I realized that this country unlike any other has something that no other country does, culture”

ABCD had a long conversation with John and realized that John, an American by birth knew much more about India than he did.

After the flight, the ABCD from India realized what the Indian in the waiting lounge was trying to say. As clichéd as it may sound, our ABCD had surely progressed to change from a typical ABCD – American born confused desi, to a GHI – A Globally Honored Indian.

THE WEDDING CHRONICLES : DOOMS DAY

A lot of us are skeptical when it comes to tying the knot with someone. And as you might have known from my previous saga, I am on top of that list.

But I wanted to give this another thought. They say experience can only be experienced so I wanted to “experience the experience” before I pass my judgment. But then if the experience turns out to be bitter, I wouldn’t have a chance to undo it. So I decided that instead of experiencing it, I will think about what the experience would be like. Fair enough considering that I wanted to remain a bachelor for the rest of my life. A thought is a great step forward isn’t it?

So here’s how my thoughts about my wedding chronicles on the dooms day unwound.

Now after the wedding day was fixed, I started the countdown. 100 days to Armageddon. 90 days to Judgment day. 45 days to apocalypse and finally, 1 day to dooms day.

In weddings from different countries, you book a church, a father reads you the same old lines that exist from centuries “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here… blah blah blah and a big story…. Do you take this biggest fool on earth to marry you… to be your lawfully wedded man” and the girl says “Yes” and the father thinks “What!” and the same is repeated for the guy and the wedding is done. Filito.

But in Indian weddings, the wedding is an affair that lasts for 2 to 3 days with expenses that would be enough to buy you a house. All bore by the poor girl’s father.

Here’s the best part about Indian weddings, you have a million people attending it, out of which over half a million of them don’t really know you and about 90% of the rest of them are more happy that you are getting married than you yourself are!

And the remaining 10%, well, if you are a guy, they pray that the girl marrying you turns out to be the scariest vamp of the Indian soap opera and completely smothers you and family for space. And if you are a girl, they hope that the guy doesn’t turn out to be better than the guy they chose for their daughters.

Now the wedding.

It all starts with a lot of art work on the girl. The girl is completely painted, so much so, that you completely forget what the original complexion of the girl is!

And then a lot of people are singing and dancing around you saying, “the girl is leaving us, its so sad!” Then why make her a scapegoat people?!

The singing and dancing reminded me of some South American countries where after someone dies, the people do not cry but infact sing and dance in front of the dead persons procession. It also reminded me of the singing people do in rural India when they are taking a scapegoat to be butchered.

Now coming to the guy – Mua – side. We do nothing. All the guys side do is pray that the girl doesn’t screw his life. And then wait for the dooms day – the wedding day.

On the wedding day, something hit me. I was going to be forced to sit on a horse dressed like a king!!

And I would be paraded from my house to the wedding place! Holy mother of God!

I saw a lot of people with cameras, giggling around and I prayed “Oh god, let this video NOT be put on YOUTUBE. It would get a million hits instantly, mostly from my friends!”

But then I realized that we don’t have horses in our wedding. Whoa! What a relief!

Later, both I and my future wife are dressed to look like 15^th century kings and queens.

I first sit in front of a fire, symbolizing and even telling me that “This is what you are getting into”. The pundit chants a million lines of prayers in 10 seconds.

About the prayers, I once saw God – yes God – in one of the weddings. I asked him “God, what are you doing in a wedding!” He said “Boy, this man right here chants something at the speed of light which includes my name once in a while. I am here to try and figure out what in my name (He actually wanted to say ‘what in God’s name’ but then realized he himself is God) is this guy trying to tell me!!!

Ok coming back to my wedding, I waited and waited and waited for the pundit to stop his rant so that we can get this over with. And then she arrived. I looked at the girl coming closer and then frantically looked around. I said, “This is not the girl I am supposed to marry! Where is she?”

They had dressed her up so much that she was beyond recognition! After a lot of confirmation I concluded that it was indeed her.

The chants went on and 90% of the million people in the wedding were cursing me because they were extremely hungry and wanted to dive into the 10 course meal waiting for them. The chants or should I say rants concluded and everyone started throwing kilograms and kilograms of rice on us. There was enough rice on us to cook a meal.

All said and done, the moment had come. I tied the knot. Alas!

Then came the best part of the wedding – the reception.

I remember when I was a bachelor and attended a wedding; I would group with my friends and mock the husband and wife since they became a showpiece. I did not expect God to get back to me in such a way that I myself would be the showpiece.

As I and my wife stood there with everyone staring at us, passing comments, laughing, mocking and doing everything that we did as bachelors. Everyone at the wedding place would come one by one and reluctantly give us gifts thinking “This guy gave me 101 Rs in my wedding and I have to give him a 1000 Rs gift. Not fair!”

Once the gift saga ended, the wedding concluded and we both we left alone. I thought “Aah! Peace at last”

And a voice rung in my ears, “Honey! What would you like to have? When do we leave? Would you hold this please? Where is my family? Where is your family? Did man really land on the moon?” “huh?”

And I went.. “No! No!”

I realized, I cannot do this. No way in hell.

I went and told my mother, “Mom, remember how I told you I wouldn’t marry for 10 years?”

She said with a happy face, “Yes, have you changed your mind”

I said “Yes, make that 20 years now!”

The Stinky Stingy media

We all know how powerful media can be in instrumenting things that would never be possible otherwise. From covering the latest mishaps and tragedies to providing justice to the most unknown and unheard people, there is nothing that the media has not achieved.
But recently the media has become more of a business rather than a power house. Every other news channel is trying to find out what the biggest celebrity is wearing for the day rather than trying to report that the countries poor have nothing to wear at all.

They say Rome wasn’t built in a day. But I say, Yes, Rome wasn’t built in a day but “AAJ TAK” can bring it down in an hour. In a few years, the news has changed from “India has won the Natwest series, Yuvraj Singh emerges as the young star” to “Yuvraj singh spotted with Sania Mirza! Whats going on there!” and “Sania has found a new man!” rather than “Sania has FAILED miserably again in the sport that she is representing – tennis”.
Why has the media fallen so low! A lot of it has to do with the expectations of the masses. People don’t care if the external affairs minister is working on reforming the outsourcing industry. A lot of the folks are interested in knowing how many ministers are throwing their slippers (yes, a lot of them wear ONLY slippers) at the honorary speaker.

With this trend, I have come up with an interview between a media person and a common man who turns celebrity.
An interview between “NSTV (NonSense TV) 24X7” and a young man who recently lost his job.

Interviewer : Mr. X, welcome to the show! We are glad you could make it here.
You recently lost your job, right? Could you please confirm that in front of the millions of audience watching this shown for reasons unknown?
Mr.X : Yes, I have lost my job yesterday.
Interviewer : Ok. So people as you can see, Mr. X has lost his job recently and is still holding up fine! (Really, and you could sense that from????)

Interviewer : Mr. X tell us, how do you feel after losing your job to recession. (The interviewer has no clue what in God’s name recession means but she sure will use it 7200 times a day)
Mr.X : Wants to say “Oh I am delighted! I have no money, no job, my wife is surely going to leave me, I am certain not to get another job and I am pretty sure I am on the verge of committing suicide, but I am so happy, I can’t control my smiles!)
But ends up saying “I am trying to look at the positives of this. I will spend more time for myself (‘cause I wont have a wife anymore), I will try and meditate (to avoid driving myself to suicide) and look for better opportunities (if there are any)”
Interviewer : Ok. So people as you can see, Mr. X is seeing a lot of positives out of a hopeless. From what we have learnt, he is pretty much a loser in his personal life, and now that he lost his job, he has sunk even further. Congratulations!

Interviewer : Mr.X, tell us, why did you lose your job. Is it really due to recession? Or is it because of the fact that you were performing hopelessly at work.
Mr.X : What! It is obviously due to recession! Who said I didn’t perform?

Interviewer : It was just a question Mr. X.
Ok. Tell us, is it true that you were seeing your bosses secretary and that completely enraged you boss to the extent that you were fired?
Mr.X : What!!! That’s not true. Who said that! Tell me, was it Mr. Y. who said this? He has always been jealous of me.
Now doubting his own credentials, he thinks.. “Did I have any kind of affair with Julie? I don’t remember! Did I lose my job because of this! God! I need to talk to my boss!”
Interviewer : We cannot disclose our sources but rest assured, it cannot be doubted.

Interviewer : Ok Mr. X, a few more questions. Is it true that you leaked your company secrets to a rival company?
Mr. X : huh! (by this time he has completely blown his lid) How in God’s name did you come up with that!!
Interviewer : As I said, we cannot leak our sources, but I can say that Mr. Y never lies. (Yeah! That’s what you call “NOT leaking your sources”)
Mr.X : These are completely baseless allegations. All of what you said is untrue. I lost my job due to recession… RECESSION (he spelt it out for her… loud and clear… but what he spelt was RESSION).

Interviewer : Ahuh! Ok… folks as you can see, Mr. X is blatantly refusing a lot of truths. Mr. X we performed a sting operation on you and have solid evidence that all of the above allegations are true. Here they are.

And a tape is played. And what a tape it was. Mr. X was a pretty healthy man, if not fat but the man in the video was so skinny that he could hide behind a twig and would not be noticed. The person in the video also spoke with a strong local accent which Mr. X did not have.
But no one would want to believe that Mr. X was not wrong. People want to see Mr. X crucified for the deeds that he did not do. After all it was the media that brought it out. It has to be true.

Moving on..
Mr. X : What the hell! That is not me! The guy in the tape looks nothing like me. Look at him!!! The tape is doctored.
He was almost in tears.

Interviewer : Mr. X are you doubting our sources?
Mr. X : Oh no! Why would I doubt the sources? The man in the tape weighs as much as one of my feet. Why would I doubt that it was me? And I would leak company secrets! Are you crazy, is this some kind of movie or something?
Interviewer : Mr. X , the whole world is seeing you in the tape.
Folks, if you think that the person in the tape is Mr. X, SMS the word “Yes” to 1234567890 or “No” if you don’t think so. The first 100 SMS will get a chance to spend a quiet lunch with my neighbor (who is 90 years old)r. Hurry!

Mr. X was sweating like he was in the middle of the Sahara desert. The interviewer went on playing a dozen more tapes that were cheap and demeaning to the core. But that wouldn’t stop the news channel.
The interviewer went on…
Interviewer : Mr. X if you question our sources once more, we will file a defamation suite against you and sue you for everything you have.
Mr. X : Everything I have! I DO NOT have anything! Zip.. nothing… empty pockets! Don’t do this!

And with a broken heart, Mr. X agrees that he was the one in the tape and NSTV is right.
Yet again, the media was instrumental in bringing down a cheating conniving individual.

Please note, once again this is just a fictional rendition of the media. Readers discretion is advised.